Obviously, it has been a long time since I have put anything up here.  Lots of things have happened. Mom fell and broke her leg shortly after my last post. She was in a nursing home for rehab but came back doing and understanding much less than when she went in. Probably because they did so much for her, she didn't have to remember to do it herself.  (Dementia)  By that time I needed more help with her and got people to come in daily, 5 days a week at least, for a few hours each day.  Then one day, she decided not to walk any longer.  She ended up going to a nursing home full time after that, as for safety reasons she could not stay at home. 

Then Covid... and we were no longer able to see her.  In November of last year the nursing home called (up until that time during Covid we had telephone reports each 3 months) to say she was not doing well. She had apparently developed double pneumonia and was not eating. It took a week for them to call us to ask for permission to give her an IV. Within 2 days I had demanded Hospice as with that going, we were able to see her. But unfortunately, Hospice was needed. She passed and her funeral was just before Thanksgiving. She was in Hospice for 3 days when she passed. 

I am still fighting depression, anger, frustration.  Some days I cry, some days I am angry, other days are ok and I can be my normal self.  Caregiving your parent is very difficult. The roles change and everything becomes abnormal somehow. Suddenly you are responsible for them. The worry, the work, the 24/7 need is overwhelming. You don't have time to look after yourself any longer, it is all about the one  you are giving care to. With Dementia, they tend to get up all hours of the night and get into things they should not. I had to get a baby monitor to be able to hear her.  If you know of someone in that capacity, offer them help. Offer to get their mail, watch over the person while they get away. Offer to do their shopping. Don't give advice as to what they can do or tell them not to worry or to go do something. Give them physical help. I had someone offer me their power washer because the side of the house needed cleaning... never happened until mom was gone. If they truly wanted to help they needed to find someone to come over and do it for me, not offer me the machine. Amazing those little things that you remember out of all of it. That was one of them.

I am trying to open my hands again. They are still rather tightly closed into fists as I am not sure I have energy to give to someone yet. I am due to get my first Covid vaccine on Tuesday. I will admit I am worried, as I am dreaming about things happening after I get it. They really don't know, I used to get the flu shots, so no allergies there... Can only hope I guess. I also know once I get the vaccines it doesn't mean that I will go out unmasked around lots of people. I still don't want to catch it, even if the vaccine means I will probably survive, they still don't understand what the after effects are. Some are really bad, others have none to show 'yet'. Like a time bomb it seems. 

I am glad that mom is no longer here to have to worry about her getting it. Hated when she was in the nursing home and the constant possiblilty of her catching it there without us, but if she had been here, I am not sure I would have been thrilled with people coming in daily. I know this blog is supposed to be about healing, uplifting and being positive.  Guess that is also why I have not been on for so long.  

I am trying. Both to be positive and to open my hands. 

Life is about so much. It seems to change daily on how we look at things. Some days I let life flow, some days I try and control how it goes. Other days I wonder what happened to the day at the end of the day and then there are those days that drag and seem a week long. It seems to be all in how we look at life. Looking back, I remember different things on different days. Always seems to be the small things, not the huge events. I remember people and things that we have done together. I remember mistakes I have made and think, that was not the brightest thing to do, I certainly learned from that one. I definitely remember NOT doing something I wished I would have. But, again, that time has passed, all I can do is learn from it. Planning ahead does not seem to get you anywhere if it is not supposed to be what is supposed to happen to you. I planned, saved and worked for 15 years, only to have it all change in an instant...and life did what it would have regardless. Today has been a musing of life, past...present...future. All I can do is take it one day at a time and learn I am not in control. It really makes things much easier that way. 

All that mattered

It really is all that matters. Looking back at memories with people who are no longer with us what is it you remember? I don't remember things, but I do remember situations, happenings, emotions. With each person there are always 'general' feelings and memories but also specific things. 

Does it change how you treat those around you now? For me, yes, mostly. There are exceptions and moments that I just don't have anything left and want to be left alone to regroup. Something that I don't often have a lot of. Alone time. That will change, eventually. In the meantime all I can do is the best I can so those memories are good on both sides...

Peace within yourself

Finding true peace is often difficult. All around  us is noise, activity, with people and things literally "calling us" demanding our attention. If we need silence to hear the voice within, it is a far cry finding it in these times. 

I often seek 'peace'. I am not just looking for quiet, but that feeling of peace within. I think that when we find it at first, we have to go about the same routine to find it again. After a while I believe that we are able to carry it with us 'most' of the time, but not all. I am not to that point yet unfortunately. I am still trying to achieve it at times. 

I also think that peace comes after healing. Healing from past hurts, wrongs, grief... not a quick fix by any means. Don't stop healing, don't stop searching for peace. You never know when it is just around the corner.  

My wish for you this evening: may you find the peace you seek within yourself.

Celebrate life

I often wonder if anyone's life is exactly how they want it to be. Mine is not. Anyone I know and have asked, it is not. Always something they would change. 

I think the key is not to focus on what is not, but to focus on what is how you want it to be. Focus on the positives you have in your life. This is a daily, sometimes several times a day reminder that there are good things in your life. The more you remember to do it and find those positive the better things get. That said, the more you focus on the negatives the more you are unhappy about what is not good. Like complaining. The more you complain the more you seem to find to complain about. I am called to look at that when someone I come in contact with does nothing but complain. I realize how I would sound if I did that. 

Take a bit of time and think about what is good in your life. Find as many positives around you that you can. Keep your eyes and heart open for more in the coming days. Maybe make a list that you can look at for a reminder. Focus on the good and celebrate the fact that you are alive... make today count!

Beauty in life

Wow. How often does your day go as planned, let alone your life? Mine, rarely. I get up and make a general overview for the day but often it gets changed. Sometimes for a few minutes, sometimes for hours. I guess we don't live in a bubble. If I did I could plan and have it work the way I wanted. 

Our life is more like a weaving...and each person is a thread. Perhaps I should say each living thing could be a thread in that weaving. Lets carry that even further. Each thing, living or otherwise that we come in contact with somehow each day could be a thread of a different color. Imagine what your weaving would look like. If we took out all of the other threads but people, the weaving would look much different. 

There is a memorial service tonight for a very old friend who passed away. She was a thread in my weaving that showed up at different times over the last 30+ years. Sometimes she was there very predominantly, sometimes that thread was missing for months, even years. I know her life never went as planned. I am not sure how much beauty she found in life at the end. I know before she found it in things all around her, but not later. 

I think the key is to find beauty in your life each day, go one day at a time and make the best of things. We are not in control of things, we may as well make the best of what we have and enjoy the life we have! 

Happy Thought

It is so peaceful. 

I see the wind chimes all moving in the breeze, sun is shining in the window, music is playing softly and the cockatiel is singing his song in the background. Is all right with the world? No, but I am grateful for what is.