Obviously, it has been a long time since I have put anything up here.  Lots of things have happened. Mom fell and broke her leg shortly after my last post. She was in a nursing home for rehab but came back doing and understanding much less than when she went in. Probably because they did so much for her, she didn't have to remember to do it herself.  (Dementia)  By that time I needed more help with her and got people to come in daily, 5 days a week at least, for a few hours each day.  Then one day, she decided not to walk any longer.  She ended up going to a nursing home full time after that, as for safety reasons she could not stay at home. 

Then Covid... and we were no longer able to see her.  In November of last year the nursing home called (up until that time during Covid we had telephone reports each 3 months) to say she was not doing well. She had apparently developed double pneumonia and was not eating. It took a week for them to call us to ask for permission to give her an IV. Within 2 days I had demanded Hospice as with that going, we were able to see her. But unfortunately, Hospice was needed. She passed and her funeral was just before Thanksgiving. She was in Hospice for 3 days when she passed. 

I am still fighting depression, anger, frustration.  Some days I cry, some days I am angry, other days are ok and I can be my normal self.  Caregiving your parent is very difficult. The roles change and everything becomes abnormal somehow. Suddenly you are responsible for them. The worry, the work, the 24/7 need is overwhelming. You don't have time to look after yourself any longer, it is all about the one  you are giving care to. With Dementia, they tend to get up all hours of the night and get into things they should not. I had to get a baby monitor to be able to hear her.  If you know of someone in that capacity, offer them help. Offer to get their mail, watch over the person while they get away. Offer to do their shopping. Don't give advice as to what they can do or tell them not to worry or to go do something. Give them physical help. I had someone offer me their power washer because the side of the house needed cleaning... never happened until mom was gone. If they truly wanted to help they needed to find someone to come over and do it for me, not offer me the machine. Amazing those little things that you remember out of all of it. That was one of them.

I am trying to open my hands again. They are still rather tightly closed into fists as I am not sure I have energy to give to someone yet. I am due to get my first Covid vaccine on Tuesday. I will admit I am worried, as I am dreaming about things happening after I get it. They really don't know, I used to get the flu shots, so no allergies there... Can only hope I guess. I also know once I get the vaccines it doesn't mean that I will go out unmasked around lots of people. I still don't want to catch it, even if the vaccine means I will probably survive, they still don't understand what the after effects are. Some are really bad, others have none to show 'yet'. Like a time bomb it seems. 

I am glad that mom is no longer here to have to worry about her getting it. Hated when she was in the nursing home and the constant possiblilty of her catching it there without us, but if she had been here, I am not sure I would have been thrilled with people coming in daily. I know this blog is supposed to be about healing, uplifting and being positive.  Guess that is also why I have not been on for so long.  

I am trying. Both to be positive and to open my hands.