I normally try and keep it all very positive on Smoothing, whether it be here on the blog or on the Facebook page, but I ran across this on a Facebook page called Surviving Abuse. A very powerful page about surviving with survivors often telling their own stories and feelings... and this one I found particularly wonderful? disturbing? related with??? Please read it through. As a sexual abuse survivor, I have many times and still do fight with much of this same type of emotional upheaval/anger that springs from some unseen/unknowing place to disturb my day, my peace of mind, my life. If you are on FB, check out the link that goes with the name Surviving Abuse and show them some love.  ~Pat

When all of the thoughts wind down after a day of suffering, I ask myself "why did I allow myself to feel this way all day?" I feel almost trapped in my own emotions. A sharp blizzard swirls around my insides through the day, and as I feel the anxiety rendered by my body I feel helpless to the whirlwind inside me. I still get through the day. I make the best of it. But the whirlwind of anxiety swirls about and subjects me to a disconnection from reality despite my best efforts to remain plugged in and aware. How desperately I wish to leave behind the bitter thoughts I have towards others - I feel like I am in a war against everyone which I never declared. I am always noticing how selfish, ignorant, or plain against me everyone is, even when its not true - but I don't want to view other people that way. It cost me a couple relationships. I am at war with everything, and my mind and body don't seem to notice I never authorized this anguishing battle. I'm tired of angering myself over things I don't want to be angry about, and turning myself against everyone though I put every ounce of effort I have to maintain a very cordial disposition. But the mask doesn't help what I feel, because inside I want to tear down everything. I have so many unmet needs, so many unmet wishes, and so many unhealed wounds. Somehow my psyche believes the best way to resolve this situation is by attacking myself. Its obviously a war I don't want to fight. For some reason when I was abused for all those years, I learned to attack everyone and everything I observed from the realm of my mind. All things were enemies. All was hopeless. And now, this attitude is making it very hard to make up for all that love I never got and all that time I lost. I am standing in my own way - or rather my subconscious is. I am spun around on a merry go round I never wished to board, and I want to learn how to get off. My mind is working against me - but then again life hasn't been very kind to my mind either. -Jarryd